Starting point: Alice wishing for something to make sense for a change!

Hey you, glad you made it here!

My name is Ellie (well there is a longer version of that but since I’m going to use the anonymity of it to share some stuff that should be enough for know). I’m 23, in my last year of university, I study engineering and currently feel very much stuck! I guess that’s the reason I’m starting this whole blog thing (some self help books might also be involved). The thing is I don’t even have a reason to complain and that makes me feel even worse for feeling bad. I am healthy, have good friends, a family that loves me, I’m studying something I actually like, volunteer and read a lot. I don’t get to travel as much as I would like to but does anyone ever? And my love life is currently non existent but hey I’m mostly happily single.

So yeah I figured out that I need to figure some stuff out and decided to create a place for me to pour my thoughts and hopefully make some sense of it all!

First blog post

You are nice and I’m confised

You are nice and I’m confused…

You are sweet, polite, smart and good looking… I’m a mess that refuses to hide it or lie about it… and I’m also everything else that you are.

If you ask me you’re a mess as well, just very good at hiding it, too afraid they won’t think you’re cool anymore. And then there are the moments that you crack and then there is me that sees right through you and I can see it scares the fuck out of you. I’m too smart for my own good, too straightforward, too tired of bulshit. I don’t want to play the game, I don’t want to keep calm and be innocently coy and pretend I’m something I’m not in order for you to like me. I’m enough as I am and fine with that. Do I want You? Yes! But I also want you to want me the way I am, not the way I’m supposed to be in order to get you to see me as attractive.

And then again maybe you do see me and like me, sometimes it feels like that. You laugh at everything I say, don’t move when we accidentally touch and then make it a point to tell me a thousand times that you forgot about me all while being super nice.

You’re nice and everybody likes you and I’m confused. But everybody knows that if a guy likes a girl she will know and if he doesn’t she will be confused.

Some things make a lot more sense now, most still don’t

Update time: Obviously I didn’t keep on writing for very long but it’s time to get back at it and see how long it will last this time. I actually quite enjoy writing and in this way it doesn’t feel like a diary somehow.

So let’s see what makes sense and what doesn’t and how am I trying to improve both. Turns out I most likely have ADHD which ends up explaining a lot of the messy stuff in my life, a lot of the moments that I feel inadequate and why I find it hard to finish stuff on time no matter how much effort I put in it. Having it actually diagnosed where I live is not exactly possible in the moment (too much stigma, too little information even among the doctors) but making sense of it, realizing I’m not alone and adopting or at least trying to addopt some of the techniques to deal with it on day to day basis is actually helping a lot by itself. So this blog is going to be used as an accountability tool as well from now on.

I just realized that my last draft for the blog was more than a year ago and I don’t know where to start, so many things changed and then again when I checked my previous posts I could say that too few things have changed. Life is messy and I’m ok with it but some messes need to be fixed, improved or plainly removed from a persons life.

I have a sore throat which is the result of going to lots of yoga classes in the evening and forgetting my hat but is also a result of a lot of struggling with not being heard and a lot of shouting resulting from that and a lot of frustration as a result of the shouting and still not being heard. So it’s time to let it be, shut up for a few days literally, on social media and in all other ways I find fitting in order to feel human again. Somehow writing seems like the right way to express everything and the fact that no one will get offended from things expressed here also helps.

All this is said and done in the light of a few events in the past month that resulted in a few comments how I’m too direct and a bit harsh sometimes and as much as I don’t feel like this are nessesary bad things to be maybe I should think about it and try to adjust at least a bit. I’m getting tired of the way this part of me is affecting others and myself, so I’m giving the softer side of me a try. Who knows maybe I don’t need to feel like I need to fight in order to deserve the love and affection of people…

Good night

-E

The life changing magic of “I don’t know”!

So I just watched the last vlogbrothers video which ended with John Green being weirdly excited about being able to use “I don’t know” and it got me thinking how we spend our whole lives thinking we should know everything and feeling less than others that know more and getting frustrated by that. And how much better it would be if we knew everything… Yeah right, I’m kidding – knowing everything wuld be hell. But being able to say “I don’t know” gives you the freedom to ask for answers, help, to learn new things and even to add the magical phrase “and I don’t care” after it sometimes.

There are some of the things I don’t know:

• I don’t know how long I’ll stick to writting this blog but I love it so far
• I don’t know why I find my friends so annoying lately
• I don’t know if I’ll go to lectures tomorrow
• I don’t know which is the double letter in “tomorrow” so I have to google it basicly every time but I get it right more often than not
• I don’t know why people all around the world are dying from easily preventable causes
• I don’t know why I’m never on time but I keep trying and someday I’ll get it right
• I don’t know should I right I don’t know in the start of every sentense or it’s getting annoying for you too read
• I don’t know why every guy I like doesn’t like me back
• I don’t know if Umbridge is Trump’s magical sister but it sure looks like it 😀
• I don’t know why people are suffering.
• Why I feel so inadequate so much of the time
• I don’t know if everyone else feels the same way
• I don’t know how I can change the world
• I don’t know what color the ocean is
• and I’m doing this right?

… and many many more!

Thank you for taking the time to read this and feel free to add the stuff you don’t know!

 

Down the rabbit hole…

So I’m a big Alice in Wonderland fan (you may have guessed that already). It is because I can see myself in different parts of her journey and right now I’m falling and waiting for the ground to hit me. And it’s exactly as her fall, long enought that you realize that you’re falling and panic and actually get bored and be scared out of your mind all of the time.

I have been jumping in the middle of the night for the last few night, hasn’t happened in a while and then I was too sad to fall asleep and my heart was pounding and I just feel helpless and broken. Anxiety is a bitch! It’s a bitch even when you are extremelly rational, even worse maybe because you realize what’s happening but you still can’t stop it. And then you’re in a place that you wonder if the other people on the bus can see how broken you feel and how many of them feel the same way? How do you tell you friends or family? And even if I understand what might have unlocked this thing now, I still feel bad because I don’t feel like  I have the right to feel so unhappy, I’m more fortunate than most people in the world and extremely grateful for it. But this sadness is taking over me and I feel like I need something of someone to fix it but you know the knight in shining armour is just not interested in saving this damsel and she is not even sure she wants to be saved but she sure is in distress.

Truth is I need a break, I’m just not sure from what exactly. And there are so many things I have to do that I don’t feel like I can affort it now.

However, if you’re reading this: Thank you for taking the time! And sorry for my not so coherent writing.

-E

A lot of random questions in this one

Life is still a mess but it doesn’t mean it is not a happy one! I’ve had a great day after a few more than mediocre days involving a lot of school work (that turned out to be quite pointless). The weather is getting warmer, the snow is almost melted, the sun is shining. It is one of those days that generally require a lot of determinationn to be grumpy.

Honestly, now that I sat down to write about it, it turns out nothing that great happened to describe or to make the day especially great but I’m guessing it’s always harder to share happy feelings, comes with a type of guilt for me. Why am I so happy? Does anybody care really care if I am? And for sure the people who really care are not found on different social platforms, so there comes the why again. You know how little children always want to know “Why?” and it get’s annoying because I lot of the times we don’t know all the answers and this makes us feel inadequate, or even if you answer the next “Why?” comes right after and it can go on forever? And how when you grow up you start to notice this annoyance in people or are flat out told to shut up and stop asking? And we stop asking as much. That’s excatly how I feel. I need answers and it’s not appropriate to ask for them, or is too late and the answers won’t change anything or I am the one that simply doesn’t care about the answers anymore. Questions are a funny thing, always bumping around our heads, waiking us in the middle of the night, crushing us during the day. Am I doing this right? Are the other people really doing better than me? Is this really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? Does he like me? Am I the only one that feels this way? Where does it stop?

Well this post stops here with a reminder that small stuff that are really big stuff actually are what makes us happy! Enjoy the sunshine every chance you get

-E