Some things make a lot more sense now, most still don’t

Update time: Obviously I didn’t keep on writing for very long but it’s time to get back at it and see how long it will last this time. I actually quite enjoy writing and in this way it doesn’t feel like a diary somehow.

So let’s see what makes sense and what doesn’t and how am I trying to improve both. Turns out I most likely have ADHD which ends up explaining a lot of the messy stuff in my life, a lot of the moments that I feel inadequate and why I find it hard to finish stuff on time no matter how much effort I put in it. Having it actually diagnosed where I live is not exactly possible in the moment (too much stigma, too little information even among the doctors) but making sense of it, realizing I’m not alone and adopting or at least trying to addopt some of the techniques to deal with it on day to day basis is actually helping a lot by itself. So this blog is going to be used as an accountability tool as well from now on.

I just realized that my last draft for the blog was more than a year ago and I don’t know where to start, so many things changed and then again when I checked my previous posts I could say that too few things have changed. Life is messy and I’m ok with it but some messes need to be fixed, improved or plainly removed from a persons life.

I have a sore throat which is the result of going to lots of yoga classes in the evening and forgetting my hat but is also a result of a lot of struggling with not being heard and a lot of shouting resulting from that and a lot of frustration as a result of the shouting and still not being heard. So it’s time to let it be, shut up for a few days literally, on social media and in all other ways I find fitting in order to feel human again. Somehow writing seems like the right way to express everything and the fact that no one will get offended from things expressed here also helps.

All this is said and done in the light of a few events in the past month that resulted in a few comments how I’m too direct and a bit harsh sometimes and as much as I don’t feel like this are nessesary bad things to be maybe I should think about it and try to adjust at least a bit. I’m getting tired of the way this part of me is affecting others and myself, so I’m giving the softer side of me a try. Who knows maybe I don’t need to feel like I need to fight in order to deserve the love and affection of people…

Good night

-E

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Down the rabbit hole…

rabbit

So I’m a big Alice in Wonderland fan (you may have guessed that already). It is because I can see myself in different parts of her journey and right now I’m falling and waiting for the ground to hit me. And it’s exactly as her fall, long enought that you realize that you’re falling and panic and actually get bored and be scared out of your mind all of the time.

I have been jumping in the middle of the night for the last few night, hasn’t happened in a while and then I was too sad to fall asleep and my heart was pounding and I just feel helpless and broken. Anxiety is a bitch! It’s a bitch even when you are extremelly rational, even worse maybe because you realize what’s happening but you still can’t stop it. And then you’re in a place that you wonder if the other people on the bus can see how broken you feel and how many of them feel the same way? How do you tell you friends or family? And even if I understand what might have unlocked this thing now, I still feel bad because I don’t feel like  I have the right to feel so unhappy, I’m more fortunate than most people in the world and extremely grateful for it. But this sadness is taking over me and I feel like I need something of someone to fix it but you know the knight in shining armour is just not interested in saving this damsel and she is not even sure she wants to be saved but she sure is in distress.

Truth is I need a break, I’m just not sure from what exactly. And there are so many things I have to do that I don’t feel like I can affort it now.

However, if you’re reading this: Thank you for taking the time! And sorry for my not so coherent writing.

-E